Live Through This

Chapter Five: Did You Get The Dream I Sent You?

Her name was Starlight, and she was. An eerie pinprick of light in a dark galaxy, a hole in the void. Konni had known since soon after she'd met this strange girl that she would be her apprentice, something Konni never saw herself taking on. But they were made of the same stuff. The same terrible, unwieldy stuff. They could do great things together, she knew. If there was anyone out there that might understand Konni's webs, it would be Starlight. It was how she got her name.

A Jedi passing through Nar Shaddaa many years ago found himself assaulted by visions of stars. Cosmos, solar flares, milky glittering trails of star systems rushing past him and leading him to somewhere beyond verbal communication. Instant understanding. Someone needed his help, and this was their way of asking for it.

The someone in question turned out to be a small child. A Givin, and while many in the galaxy had a hard time guessing ages in this species, they seemed to be about three years old. Three years old, and all alone. Loose on the streets of Nar Shaddaa. The Jedi took the child into his custody and contacted what passed for law enforcement on Nar Shaddaa. No one had reported a missing Givin child. The child did not speak. The child did not react to much of anything. It was just these visions of the vastness of space, of travel through the black, overlaid with emotions and suggestions that didn't always make sense.

This was clearly force sensitivity, and after a week of trying to locate a parent or guardian on Nar Shaddaa, the Jedi took her back to Coruscant with him.

The Yag'Dhul consulate was contacted in regards to any reports of missing Givin children anywhere in the galaxy. They had no leads, and the translator they provided to try and speak with the child couldn't get a word out of them. It was as if she had just materialized in the seediest corner of the galaxy. There was nothing left for them to do besides assimilate her into the Jedi creche and give her a name. Starlight seemed a good choice.

By the time Konni met Starlight she was something of an academic prodigy, if a bit of a loner. Konni didn't spend much time in the Coruscant temple after Master Lani's death, but she came back every now and then to teach a class in astronavigation. It was a topic that many students struggled with, but Starlight took to it like it was second nature.

She was a young teen, awkward, always wearing a heavy black cloak with her hood up over her bald, skeletal head. She wondered if this fashion choice had to do with a teenage edginess, or if the cloak was a safety blanket of sorts. It turned out to be both. The force moved around Starlight in an antsy sort of way, like she was waiting for her environment to tell her how to act. Starlight seemed comfortable within herself, but not within the world around her. Konni could understand that.

During one particular class Konni was moving from desk to desk, checking her student's work. She was impressed with Starlight's ethic, but had one minor correction.

"Oh!" Starlight had said, "is it more like this?"

Suddenly Konni's vision went out and all she could see was space. She could see exactly what she was talking about in three dimensions. It was a brief flash, but it opened up her mind in a way she didn't think possible. Konni's webs were a feeling, something she could draw out, but not organically see. Her class had nothing to do with the webs, she'd been told the whole concept was too esoteric for most people to understand. But this kid, she might be able to understand.

Starlight was too young at the time to take on as a Padawan. And besides, Konni was still reeling from her former Master's death and finding her footing as a Shadow. She did, however, pay more visits to the temple after that. She even got permission to give private piloting lessons to select students. Starlight was one of them.

She quickly realized that as soon as Starlight was ready to be apprenticed, she'd have to take her on. She understood Konni's handmade maps. She had a darkness too her, but not in a dangerous way. A practical way. She could fit into Konni's weird niche, traveling the galaxy by webs and slinking into dangerous places. They could do great things together.

There was, of course, some resistance to Konni taking a Padawan at all. She was young, and the Order had little idea what she was up to most of the time. She didn't even keep quarters on Coruscant anymore, though she'd been offered Master Lani's rooms upon her death. Konni had tried out living in the space she had shared with her master for about three days. That was all she could take. She much preferred her ship. Not Jedi issue, because that would blow her cover. It was just an old beater and it felt like home.

Eventually she wore the council down. She suspected this had a lot to do with the fact that most others found Starlight somewhat unsettling, despite her obvious potential. She felt triumphant, until she realized just how unsettling Starlight really was.

Konni's dreams became nothing but Starlight's visions. It was weird, a bit uncomfortable. She thought it was unintentional at first, but when clear messages began coming across she understood that this was something Starlight saw as a positive. As closeness. She picked around in Konni's mind and invited her to do the same. She planted suggestions and didn't see what was wrong with that. Starlight was smart, but there was a lot about interacting with other people that she didn't understand.

Konni let it go on too long. She'd just push back and redirect in her mind the best she could. She didn't want to hurt the girl, and besides, their were worse ways teenagers could behave. Konni spent a good portion of her teens and early twenties running around Coruscant having sex with more species and genders than should could count, experimenting with various substances, and spending her precious few credits on useless possessions. At least Starlight wasn't doing that, right?

Eventually their lives turned upside-down and it was no longer just the two of them in Konni's ship. They lived aboard a Jedi cruiser with hundreds of other people, and the telepathic dream manipulation had to be addressed.

It all came to a head when Konni and Starlight's dream connections began involving other people. Starlight was extremely gifted where it came to telepathy, but it still wasn't an exact science. Konni guessed she wasn't supposed to see Starlight transmitting suggestions of her own attractiveness to Sergeant Ink, but she did, and it was time to set some boundaries.

It was likely that the poor young man didn't know that what he was experiencing was direct manipulation. He probably just thought he was having a weird sex dream about the teenage Jedi he was suddenly sharing a mess hall with. But Konni knew, and chewed Starlight out for it.

Starlight didn't understand what was so wrong about it. Kriffing hells.

She expressly forbid Starlight from entering anyone's dreams or transmitting visions to them unless they asked her to. Starlight had just cocked her head and asked why. Konni didn't know how to explain the concept of consent in this context. Did anyone? Starlight didn't seem to understand the subconscious mind as anything different than a normal conversation. Mind manipulation was to Starlight no different than manipulating a limb so you could set a bone. It was maddening trying to guide this girl towards something resembling normal behavior, so she just settled on telling her no.

Regardless of how nonsensical Konni's words seemed to Starlight, she had listened.

She planned to revisit the subject with more tact at a later time, but they'd been a little bit preoccupied with the galaxy-wide war they were fighting. And anyways, it had been awhile since Konni had her mind intruded on in her sleep.

That was, until she was in a medicated sleep on the fourth moon of Wrarí's jungle floor.

It began as it always did, space, being guided somewhere. Like having your hand held as you were led into another room, somewhere private and comfortable. Then it prickled, as if Konni's mind was a stack of books someone was flipping through. Someone was creasing pages, breaking the spines. She felt concern, comfort, warmth, care. The need to relax, to slip deeper into the void. She wanted to fall in, to let go of all the things plaguing her, to see wider than the current mission and all that was troubling her.

Before that came to pass though, she realized what was happening.

Konni awoke with a scream. Panting, the heels of her hands scrubbing at her eyes, trying to wash it away. Starlight. God damn it.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Konni said, sitting up, throwing her cloak she was using as a blanket off of her. It was still dark out, but just barely. She looked around, and found Starlight crouched near her feet like some kind of wild animal.

Starlight crouched lower, in a way that was decidedly creepy. "Master?"

"I told you not to do that anymore!" Konni noticed some of the troopers beginning to stir, so she got on her knees and crawled close to Starlight, waving a scolding finger in her face. "You cannot do that. You cannot mind trick your fucking master." She was trying to be quiet, but the whisper was harsh. Hops had been sleeping near them, and was now sitting up with a tired groan.

"I—" Starlight sat back on her heels, "I would never mind trick you."

"What do you call that, then? Explain it to me. Because from where I'm sitting, you're waiting until my defenses are down, and then using the force to fuck around in my brain and make me do stuff."

"I just wanted to help you relax, calm down. See the bigger picture, maybe—"

"There's no kriffing bigger picture, alright? We're at war. If I seem stressed, that's why, and you mind wiping me or whatever into relaxing isn't going to help anyone."

"I'm sorry, I just thought—"

"Stop talking. It doesn't matter. Even if I did need someone to force me to relax, I told you not to do that."

"I thought that was because of the thing with Ink."

Konni barked a laugh. "Well that was certainly part of it!"

Starlight was quiet for a moment. "Well, I'm sorry."

"You should be. Do you not see the problem with this?"

"With you? Or with Ink—"

"Starlight. You cannot use the force to make people find you attractive, and you cannot use the force to take your General's mind off of their objective. I should not have to explain this."

Starlight shifted uncomfortably and looked to Hops, who was watching them now. He held up his hands in a way that said I am not a part of this, and then got up and walked towards the campfire. "I just," Starlight sighed, "I wanted to take you there for a little while, see if it helped you. It helps me."

Konni shook her head, exasperated, "Take me where? Where even is that? It's always the same, is it real? Is it inside your mind?"

Starlight cocked her head. "You don't know?"

Konni brushed leaves and soil from herself and stood. "I don't have time for this. Stay out of my head." She stormed off then, in a way that she felt was immature even as she was doing it.

She wished she had more time to guide Starlight. To get to the bottom of her various pathologies and disconnect from the rest of sentient life. That time had passed, though. Many years ago, her master had brought her to this moon to learn about the culture and politics of the Wrarí, to share their table and dance to their music. Now, she brought her own Padawan back here to pluck the shrapnel from the same people and destroy their city. The Jedi Order that Konni had grown up in was dead and gone. There was no textbook on how to guide a teenager though this, how to teach them right from wrong when their job was to destroy.

The sun was rising and they needed to get on with the task at hand. Konni first sought out Sawbones and begged some stims off of him. She packed up her bedroll, took an unsatisfying birdbath in a nearby spring, and settled down around the burnt out fire to make some caf, her mind unable to get away from Starlight an the visions she sent her. What the hell had she meant, you don't know? How would she? Was it a real system, maybe from the webs? Somewhere they had been? As dear as Starlight was to her, there was something deeply disturbing about all of this. She'd been a fool to ignore all the warning signs for so long. She already felt bad about bringing someone so young into a war zone, but add on top of that violent tendencies, no understanding of boundaries, and a complete lack of empathy? These things were not damning, but they required care. Konni had none to give.

Sergeant Eyes sat down next to her, and asked if everything was okay. She'd probably woken up the whole camp with her scream. She felt bad about that, but didn't know what to say. She just poked at the last embers of the fire and scoffed. She briefly thought she should try to project some confidence, but then remembered that this was Eyes and he didn't care about decorum the way Hops did.

"Taking that as a no," he said.

"No, I'm fine. Just—" she threw the stick away from herself, frustrated. Eyes knew Starlight, spent time with her on the cruiser. Maybe he'd noticed her particular idiosyncrasies increasing. "Does Star seem okay to you?"

Eyes blinked. "Wouldn't know, Sir."

"You're close,"

"I suppose,"

"She's just…acting out."

"Is that not normal for people her age?"

"We think she's seventeen," Konni said. What exactly was normal for a Givin, for a child who certainly had trauma they had no context for, who's true name and homeworld were unknown?

"Think?"

"A lot about Starlight is a mystery," she turned her bag and pulled out the fixings for two cups of instant caf. Did Eyes drink caf? She should know that. "And I'm just noticing that she's taking to all this like a fish to water."

"Maybe. Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know. Maybe not," Konni sighed, handed Eyes a cup of instant caf powder and poured water into it from her thermos. "the Jedi used to be something else though. We didn't use to teach kids how to dismember and reassemble. My master mostly taught me about Indigenous medical practices throughout the galaxy."

"Huh," was all he said. She liked Eyes, but he didn't talk much.

"Sorry," Konni sighed as she began mixing her own cup of caf, "it's just been a stressful couple of days."

Eyes nodded and took a sip, "Agreed."

It was true that Eyes was a man of few words, but he was under a lot of stress. Probably more than Konni, really. She remembered back to the first time they had met, when he was still just another anonymous trooper to her. He'd attempted suicide, and she'd helped one of his brothers save him. She remembered touching him and feeling a cold nothingness. It was dark and horrible, but almost peaceful. She felt bad for bringing him back to his pain, when he clearly wanted out. The trooper's lives trivialized her own, when she really began to think about it. She felt shame now, for letting her guard down and dumping her own problems on Eyes. She knew better than that. "How are you?" She asked, "I know this can't be easy, with everyone we've lost."

"It's rough, but—I'm fine."

He was lying. He was exhausted, hurting. She could feel it, but she was glad he was doing better than he was. She wished she could do more for him. She had the impulse to give him a hug, but thought that too forward, too easy to misinterpret. He really was a kind man, and a good friend to Starlight. And Starlight needed people in her corner, people to talk to.

"Well, let me know if you're ever not fine, alright? Seriously. I don't want you to think you're all interchangeable to me. I'm glad Starlight has a friend like you. She likes talking to you about those damn books."

"So do I,"

Konni wanted to tell him he was doing a good job, that she was proud of him for keeping on, but she didn't know how to phrase it in a way that didn't sound patronizing. Before she could come up with anything though, Hops appeared and sat down next to her.

"Everyone's up. We're breaking down camp and should be ready to head out in fifteen or so," he said, cup of caf up to his lips.

"Any new data from the recon droid?" Konni asked. They'd sent it out again before they went to bed, hoping to update their route further, but the video feed had been next to useless last she had checked.

"Negative. Looks like something took it out."

That wasn't good. "Just wonderful,"

"We're ready for anything, Sir," Hops said. Always so optimistic. She hoped that some of that would rub off onto her.

Eyes got up and left then, leaving Konni and the commander to discuss the route. Without any new data, they were just following the old maps. Which wasn't exactly bad, but it could be unpredictable. It wasn't like there was a road to the monastery. The path could flood, could become the hunting grounds of some horrible beast. Anything. They were essentially wandering in the dark. And there was at minimum, a squad of droids out there somewhere. There was very little left to discuss, given how little they knew. They just had to start walking.

Konni drained the last of her caf and shrugged. "Guess we just have to get started. Any word from the city?"

"All clear. No reinforcements from either side."

"Alright then," Konni said and stood, "I guess we shouldn't waste anymore time."

It took only another ten minutes before camp was broken down and they were on the trail again. Hops led, holomap projected in front of him, and Konni followed right behind him. Usually, Starlight walked with her on missions such as this. A twelve hour walk was a good time to practice the many languages Konni was teaching her. Huttese, Ubese, Ryl, Ghorman, and Givin, which was oddly the one that Starlight was having the hardest time with. Konni was picking it up better than she was. On an ordinary day, trudging through some new environment for an extended time, Konni would ask Starlight to describe her environment to her in whichever language they were focusing on. They'd discuss the birds, the temperature, the plant life. This time, Starlight walked several paces behind with Eyes. They didn't appear to be talking.

Konni felt bad about the way she'd snapped at Starlight. There had to be a better way to explain why her behavior was wrong, she just didn't know how to find it. If things were normal, she could meditate on it. She could ask more experienced masters for guidance. But all that was over. All the patience Master Lani had tried to teach her had gone out the window, and Konni was left wondering what the hell she was doing. There was too much happening, from too many different angles. Had she known they were about to go to war, would she have taken a Padawan?

Konni thought about that for a moment, and sighed when she realized the answer was still yes. Starlight was a maddening creature, but she was smart, skilled, and brave. Much more than Konni had been at that age. There was a lot wrong with their current situation, but she couldn't deny that they were a good match; much more than she and Lani had ever been. Konni just needed to figure out how to balance being a General with being a Master. Other Jedi were doing it, so it certainly could be done.

Konni was just about to fall back a little bit to let Starlight catch up with her, see if she could get her talking, when Hops signaled to her.

Hops’ holomap flickered, the projection trying to reconcile the nominal path with the real terrain—roots, rock slides, the last trickles of floodwater from the recent storm. They stopped and Konni came up close behind him, trying to get get a better look at the map.

Whatever Hops was noticing, Konni was feeling.

"A lot of terrain changes," he said.

"Animals? Droids?"

"I don't know yet."

"Should we keep going as planned?"

"That's up to you, General,"

Konni hated that. What, exactly, did she know? "I'm asking for your professional opinion."

"We keep going. Just—stay sharp."

Konni nodded once, and they continued.

The forest changed slowly. Denser vines, deeper shadows. There was more space between the trees, though. More sky. They'd passed through similar patches of jungle the day before, but this was different. Like something had broken the branches. It didn't look like the work of an aircraft, but she couldn't be sure.

“Something’s off,” Konni said.

Hops didn’t argue. He swept his holomap around, projecting a cone outward. “There should be a natural bridge ahead, but… look.” The projection showed the path continuing straight. The real world showed the path terminating in a dramatic slope, the thick roots that wrapped the ground broken and the mud drying in unnatural peaks.

Starlight finally stepped closer. “Collapse looks recent. Soil’s still settling.”

Eyes, coming up right behind her, groaned. “Great. We’ll have to go around. That’ll add—”

Konni held up a hand. “Wait.”

A faint clicking came from somewhere left of the hole. Soft at first. Then multiplying.

“Contacts,” Hops whispered, already kneeling. His holomap winked out so the glow wouldn’t give them away. “Multiple. Metallic signatures. Light—probably B1's.”

Konni crouched beside him, heart rate lifting but steady. “How many?”

“Hard to say, scanner's all scattered. Two squads, maybe.”

“How the hell did they get out here?” Eyes muttered, drawing his blaster.

The clicking grew louder—uniform steps, mechanical joints articulating. Starlight shifted forward instinctively, but Konni stopped her with a subtle flick of fingers. Stay behind cover. Starlight obeyed, sliding silently behind a fallen trunk with Eyes.

The first droid crested the ridge opposite them, silhouette unmistakable: skeletal frame, beaked head. Then another. And another.

They scanned the sinkhole, heads tilting with that uncanny, birdlike curiosity. Searching.

One paused, vocalizer crackling. “Bridge is gone. Possible seismic event. Adjusting route.”

Konni inhaled once, deep. “They’ll see the tracks,” she murmured to Hops. “We've got to engage.”

Hops nodded grimly. “Agreed.” He signaled to Fiend and Eyes, and within moments the loosely organized party was back in order. "We'll take them out, if you and Commander Starlight can focus on deflection."

"No, we should engage. Sabers will take them out quicker. You draw fire."

"Negative, the terrain will make it difficult for us to cover you."

Konni considered this and decided he must be right. "Alright. I'll follow your lead."

Hops, crouched in the brush, signaled to his men and they all began moving, low, circling around to a better position. She could feel him in the force, so focused, so sure of his tactics. When they reached a small crest in the uneven ground and he stilled, she could feel what he needed of her to pull this off before he spoke. He cocked his head in her direction, and she nodded.

She stood.

Every droid head snapped toward her.

“Jedi detected,” one announced, leveling its rifle, “engaging.”

The first barrage came instantly—bolts slicing through the palm fronds, burning lines through the dense ferns. Konni’s saber ignited, and she stepped into the open, redirecting the incoming fire with tight arcs of green light. Troopers moved on either side of her and blast bolts began firing in both directions. She deflected them back, as did Starlight somewhere to her right.

One down, two down, then a yell as one of their own fell. She heard someone yell man down and vaguely felt Sawbones moving in to drag the wounded trooper out of the barrage.

Someone threw a grenade, and it took out a decent handful of droids, before a fire broke out and smoke choked the scene.

Perfect.

“Move!” Smoke could be to their advantage. The clones HUD systems would help them target through the smoke. She and Starlight couldn't exactly feel droids in the force, but they could feel movement, energy. Konni dashed fully out of cover, boots skidding on wet soil. Blaster bolts glowed through the pale haze like. She carved through the first droid she met before it fully registered her presence, its torso falling one way and its rifle another.

The squad behind it tried to recalibrate, but they didn’t have the time.

Clones poured into the ravine from the sides, firing in staggered rhythms to suppress and flank. Their shots punched through metal bodies, sending beaked heads snapping back and clawed hands flying. Some destroyed part of droid carcass hit her in the shin, but she barely registered it, as a towering B-2 unit stomped forward through the smoke, its cannon warming with a sick, mechanical buzz. That wasn't something she'd seen or expected.

Konni felt the charge building. “Down! I'll take this one.” she barked.

Konni surged upward, leaping from the muddy slope she was beginning to slip down. She landed on the B2, a knee on it's shoulder, and drove her saber straight down through its power core, and kicked off the machine as it collapsed in a shower of sparks.

Another squad emerged from the far side of the slope, outside of the smokey haze. They spread into a firing line.

“General, more contacts!” Hops shouted

“I see them, move forward, Star and I will cover you."

The clones moved ahead, and Konni raised her saber. She readied herself for the the next barrage but then—something.

Something was upset with them.

Before Konni could warn anyone, a terrible groan ripped through the sound of the battle. Clones and Droids alike faltered, heads turned in the direction of the sound. Trees rippled, blaster fire momentarily ceased, and Konni felt an anger through the force that was more immediately concerning than the droids.

Trees broke, roots pulled straight from the soil, the smoke split, and a creature three times the size of their drop ship shot onto the battlefield. Konni had never seen an animal so big. Fur as orange as the Coruscant sunset, cut with black spots. More legs than Konni could count. A long, articulate body. Three barbed tails. It batted away the fire and the remainder of the first droid squad with one paw, then lowered it's terrible head, biting into a group of three clones, crushing bodies and armor with a repulsive crack.

Konni felt a wave of joy and excitement through the force. Starlight shouted, "It's the big cat!"